flowing south

I was named after one of the two rivers in my country that flows the other way. While rest of the rivers flow from south to north, these two rivers due to some strange geographical arrangements flow from south to north. Later in school days, one of my teachers didn't buy this truth ( he had lived overseas his entire life before) so he changed my spelling. Yes, where I grew up, schools ran for 8 hours and teachers had veto when it came to changing names of their pupils if they felt it was the right thing to do.

So, I was no longer the river that flowed from south to north, but something that connoted a flower! "Great!" I thought, at fourteen I felt it was better to be a flower than a strange river. And I was already a 'strange enough  kid' so change of name was more than welcomed. My father had a fit though when I took the report cards home and he saw that the name he so lovingly gave me was mutilated. But it was too late to do anything, my name was already officially registered in the education system.

Later there would be a phase where a set of people still called me by my old name and another set of people who would call me by the new, flowery name. Still further down the line, there will be another mishap where the people at passport division would rename me again! So, since my birth I got three different names and a paper with many colourful stamps from all concerned government departments confirming that all three person of such, such and such names are the same.

When I think about it, I know the name that my father kept is the most suitable one for me. I can relate to it now, though I hated it when I had to explain what it meant to people all the time. I still do not understand why people ask what the meanings of a person's name is? It is not that you can predict anything with it! People are born to the names somebody has already thought/decided for them, except for cases where one chooses a name change later in life.

The other day, while I was waiting for the train, I caught a reflection of mysef on the glass separator. my reflection became prominent in my mind. It seemed to ask me, what if I was named something else, some other flower, or river, or thing! Would that have made any different impact on my life? What does this name hold for me? Then I felt this strong urge to burst out of my skin and transpire... not even evaporate.. but just jump the mid stage of change and become a part of ether. I wish to be more than a mere name and I have nothing but this name to hold on to as an identity.

I was going through some images and came across one of dark skinned fishermen, who seemed to be flying over the sea waves. And that instant, I wanted to be the fisherman who sat ever so patiently on one bamboo stalk bracing the incoming wave as he waited for a fish to take a bait. I wanted to be that bamboo stalk that held the fisherman ever so patiently against the force of gravity and motion. I wanted to be that wave, that fish, those sand particles... I wanted to be everything and nothing!

I have never believed in rat race that plagues the modern soul. The need to prove that you are better than the rest. What for? Why? Each soul is individual and unique piece of a gigantic mosiac of life that is infinitly small in comparison to the giant of the universe that houses it. And if there ever is a need for race, let it be with one's own. Self actualisation comes on the top tier of modern economist's theories, whereas it should come right after the basic needs. If this change were to happen even in the tiniest fraction of humanity, the world would see drastic changes.

However, we, human are in my opinion becoming more out of tune with our own universe. The advancement of science has made us proud to the borderline of being arrogant. we think we can harness the wind so we can harness power of nature, we can laser gun meteores out of existence before it even hits the outer of our stratrosphere, we can create clones, we can revive stopped hearts. We have become almost blinded with all our human achievements that we have stopped listening to natures signs. We no longer stop to hear the music of wind, when was the last time you stopped what you were doing and gazed at the sky to marvel at the universe, count stars, name shapes in the clouds? When have you smiled at a stranger without expecting a smile back?

We talk through our life like we are travelling in the subway these days. We do not even make eye contact let alone talk to strangers. We do not wish to sing out of tune and make absurd music with whatever we have in our hands when we want to make music.  We live in fear. We facebook each other rather than write hand written letters ( which reminds me that I have decided to start writting letters to a friend, we are going to go back to the blotchy papers and ink pens, licking stamps and anticipating answers, excercising our imagination on endless possibilities the folded paper would hold inside it).

I am not a technology hater, I just wish we were more connected in other ways than the energy comsuming, eye sight destroying plasma screens and electronic medium which transforms human emotions into mere bytes. That we could break new grounds in stem cell research and yet not forget to understand the importance of simplicity of nature. Let science explore new frontiers, and still let our human soul have faith in something more than number crunchers and formulas alone. Let us not lose touch with our more intutive side, the one that nurturs, wonders and marvels.

When I sometimes talk like this, I get odd looks. But what can you expect?  I have my eccentricities, I have my passions. I am someone who can live a pauper life, but not a life that lacks inspiration. I am the river that flows south... I am like this.

friends are forever.. or not

Friends are forever, they used to tell us when we were growing up. But the harsh truth of life is that sometimes, friends outgrow you or you outgrow them. It could be because of various reasons, change of location, change of status ( getting married, divored or widowed affects people), change of heart .. in nutshell, changes and situations that leads to the changes..  

We meet so many individuals in life; among them, we instantly gel with some. You feel that you are in the same wavelength, the vibes are right, the aura is good! And then there are some, who always manage to push the wrong buttons and you wish that in no way ever to cross path with them. However, you always do, and once you let go of your judgements towards that certain person, you open up to possibilities and see what lies beyond, you form strong friendship.

I was trying to understand a strange situation I found myself in. I was looking for answers, and of course what do we do..? Right...search for answers within ourself, be plagued with questions on your motives, our thoughts, ' Am I the one who is toxic?" " Am I the one who is hoarding my inner frustration and anger on ther friend or is it opposite way around?" " Do I contribute to bring any sort of negativity into my friend's life?" and yes the final 'google search' which led me to many links. From papers written by researchers and psychologists to soppy poems and images. I also found out that at certain stage friendship can become toxic, the reason could be either you or your 'friend'. And that there are three main reasons that you choose to be friends with someone; utility, entertainment and virtue.

When you decide that certain someone has useful tools, resources that you can make use of and become friends with them, thats utility. You are using that person who is your friend. When you do it in order to pass your time, get out of your boring routine, etc you make a friend just to entertain you; to inject some 'fun' in your life. Friendship built on basis of the above two will never last long, because there is only a certain limit to which your needs/ expectations can get fulfilled from someone else.

Now, when you know someone and decide to be friends with them because there is a certain character or habit of the person that you like, that is friendship based on virtue. You are focusing here on the 'person' and not what the person has or could do for you. That is where strong bond forms.

In past, I never felt that power plays is a part of friendship. But now-a-days, I can clearly see it, we cannot be friends when we are not equal with the other person. Personal difference do not count as much as equality as in the terms of control, mutual respect and personal identity. You can be friends with someone who has different thinking, taste in clothes, food and way of life. But I think it is difficult to be friends with someone who always tries to overpower, control and constantly judges your actions.

Albert Camus, has put it rightly. "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." 

I do not mean nor expect that things are always to be sweet and easy. It is not possible. Human nature is very complex, something will always rise up. As an individual, you are constantly growing. This growth demands that you challenge your own thoughts, your way of living and your surrounding. And at times, you will find yourself at a road that forks and you have to part ways with some people you have loved and cherished, the journey ahead seems daunting.

No matter what the reason is, it is alway like a heartbreak when you realise that time has changed that old friend to someone you hardly recongise. I think it is similar to the moment when you realise that your baby brother has grown up into a self assured, slow talker, man! Or when your once baby cousins ask you for ' Privacy please!" But I believe this is the nature of life. It is a continouous journey and bittersweet learning process.So, for now, I will put my chin up and walk the walk.

But the child in me, who believes in signs and 'Friendship is Forever' will always wish that road will once again merge and I will meet them again in the state where our hearts were as one and we lived like we ruled life and time, not the other way around..