bed rest, ghost of pasts and a renewed passion

Sorry my Phantom Readers, for not being able to write so often. I have been rather unwell. My body has been feeling like a furnace coated with ice that never melts. And the thirst is so bad that I could gulp down the Ganges and still be thristy. But I am getting better, I am healing and realizing new layers inside me, within people around me and in this universe as well.

Two days ago, I woke up from my red sleep, burnt with amber of my feverish cells and I noticed that the first thought in my consciousness was, “ How will people remember me when I die?” Then I remembered for a few seconds feeling this immense fear. Once I remember not long ago, having said, “ I want to vanish into oblivion, I don’t want anyone to remember me.” But as soon as I had said it, I knew I was telling the biggest lie to myself.

What is the meaning of existing if the whole aim of my existence was to vanish into the darkness. I know scientifically thinking, at some point in time, somewhere in the future, things are going to change, humanity will change, there is a possibility that our solar system will be nothing but mere dark hole. Everything we have now, we aspire to be, millions of dreams and millions of existence would be just a vortex from where nothing would escape. No one will escape. So why this struggle, why this fear of the nothing?

Why do I want to; save money and travel the world, look into eyes of my lover (who I am sure is out there) and learn of freedom, look into eyes of children and learn of what love is, birth babies, bake cakes, conquer my fear of sky diving, ride the Royal Enfield from Kathmandu till Tibet and then some more… perhaps around the world.

Then I tell myself, look at yourself.. then again I tell myself, look out there.. so much to see, so much to learn.. This is a thirsty soul in search of knowledge, but I believe knowledge is like soft drink. Never quenches the real thirst.. you need water, pure H20 for that. And the water of life is ‘ being’.

Knowledge of freedom without living it  is nothing but a fallacy, knowledge of love, hate, ecstasy, rebellion, life, birth and death are the same. Shadows, which can somehow give you glimpses of the shapes but of not what the shapes, are of.

These thoughts have been loitering in the backstreets of my mind in silence; these strange thoughts which are so common and loiter inside each one of us but never knock on the door to make their presence felt. Sometimes, it takes few days in bed one moment clattering your jaws and next heating up like furnace, the thoughts of dying alone in a foreign land and not ever seeing your friends and family back home, never haveing that house in the hill, never falling in love again and never writing another set of words. It scares the shit out of the ever forgetting conscious mind and something from your subconscious jumps up and grabs your attention.

Then you write a letter to the man you loved most and tell him that you will always wish that all his dreams will fall on his lap like soft starlights and that he be happy where ever he is. ' Forgive and forget'. You let the ghosts of grudges cross the heavenly streams of forgiveness and never come back. You make a promise to be kinder, more generous to yoruself and letting your heart out of the shackles whatever the end result might be. Then you make an hour long journey across town in an overcrowded train, wondering at the beauty of life and universe that surrounds you and enroll yourself in that course you have wanted to enroll yourself ten years back!

Sometimes you need that prespective from the underside..

Much Love

- The Warrior Princess